I caught up with the very controversial Derek Rielly this week. Derek kindly took a minute from penning his titillating memoirs to tackle the big issues: fashion and surfing.

SC: How many white Vneck tee's do you own?

DR: Innumerable. I have retired the look, howevs. Have you seen my plunging backs? You'll wonder, how do I stay so fit! How do I achieve the classic trapezium shape with so little exercise! Just ask!

SC: How low is too low?

DR: When you can see toe nails.

SC: Owen or kelly for 2011?
DR: Kelly 4 eva! BFF!

SC: Is surfing becoming vanilla?
Would Kelly be way cooler if he developed a herion addiction and an apprecation for abstract expressionism. Or perhaps Mick Fanning disovers his passion for rock and roll shunning the tour to do a colaboration with iggy pop they could perform a digitally remastered rendition of "Wanna be your dog" and tour the world in matching leather ensembles.

DR: It ain't vanilla, peaches. Tahiti! NYC! Trestles! How does it feel to be engaged? The rustle is in the water and in the food joints over breakfast tacos. Julian was robbed – that ain’t no interference! Joel says Jules is a crab! Y’see Mick on that Mayhem? Electric!

Meanwhile, Adriano, panting obscenely, blows his scooze over a year-old KS slight! Taj bows his head in defeat again! Forty year olds against teens! And a zip-fat beanpole from an Australian country town meets the alpha male of the group (AMOG) in three consecutive finals, wrong-footed at one from three.

Has the tour ever been this good? I’ve drifted in and out of the scene since the debut of Kelly and I can tells ya, we’ve living in a golden age. The judging is as tight as it’s ever been and the mid-year slice allows the peach pits to hit the spittoon where they belong. Goodbye Bobby and the rest of the spoiled middle-class heroes! Hello Miguel! Hello Gabs! Helllllllo Johnny!

SC: Can you please fill out the below acrostic poem about Bede Durbidge

Dear friend


Follow his musings here or  by by flicking throughout the pages of Stab Magazine


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